Cultural Differences in Relationship Etiquette

So, a couple weeks ago, we were eating lunch and Dorothy started telling me things that I should be doing now that I’m dating Zuriel. Apparently, here in Malawi, the girlfriend is supposed to visit her boyfriend’s mother (they already call them in-laws, even when they’re just dating) and offer to clean her house and wash her clothes. It is also expected of the girl to cook and clean for her boyfriend when she goes to visit him.

Kayla & I were cracking up when Dorothy was telling us this – especially as we imagined someone having these expectations back in America. Yes, a girlfriend might cook & clean for her boyfriend, but actually go to his mother’s house and offer to do her laundry? Not something we’re likely to see.

As fun as this conversation was, it got even better the next day. I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize and it was Zuriel’s mom. She called to invite Kayla and I to her house for a birthday dinner for her niece. Dorothy got so excited when she found out & then she told me again that I have to help cook and clean the house when I get there. Dorothy told Kayla to just sit back and relax because she didn’t have to help. When we arrived at the house, though, we both offered to help and Zuriel’s mom said ‘You will’. Oh I laughed so hard (on the inside of course) when she said this because it seemed to confirm what Dorothy told us. Kayla and I were prepared & ready to help; we even had our chitenjes (fabric that we wrap around our skirts) to put on while we worked in the kitchen. Mrs. Chirwa told us to make a salad however we wanted and gave us some veggies to use. We started cutting up some green peppers, carrots, tomatoes & onions, but she didn’t have any lettuce, so we used cabbage leaves instead. It looked like a fairly nice salad, but there was one problem – they don’t have salad dressing, so our salad was very dry. They asked if we needed mayonnaise or salt and we told them that we don’t use those on the salads we make, but that if they wanted us to we could put it in. They said it would be fine and then I started helping Shupa (one of Zuriel’s sisters) make salad the way they are used to making it (shredded cabbage, grated carrots, onions, tomatoes, mayo & salt). It was really nice to get to talk with Zuriel’s sisters as we prepared the food. Shupa wants me to teach her how to bake because she doesn’t bake a lot; I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I would have to learn how to bake here before I could teach her anything. J

I think I have mentioned before how our meals with others are sometimes a little awkward here in Malawi. I was expecting this dinner to be the same; especially since this was my first time being around Zuriel’s mom for an extended time without him there. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable the evening was for me. I mean, there were still some awkward silences and pauses throughout the night, but overall, I really enjoyed spending time with Zuriel’s family. It was fun to talk with his sisters (Shupa, Sibongale & Nedis) and his mom. It helped that I knew Roland, his cousin, and fiancée who’s birthday we were celebrating because I had met them briefly on Christmas day. It reminded me of our family get-togethers back home that we have for special occasions – nothing too fancy, just having everyone come together to celebrate and spend time with one another.

Some other cultural differences that we’ve learned about while we’re here include a lot of the extended family. Kayla and I have almost given up trying to understand how they are related to their extended family members because they’ll say ‘Uncle’, but they could be talking about a cousin, nephew/niece or grandparent. It definitely throws us for a loop when we’re trying to figure out how they’re related, but as I said, we’ve given up trying to understand & we just accept that they are somehow related to one another.

Meeting the extended family, though, is a big part of relationships here in Malawi. Chisomo (Pastor Nihaka’s son) told us a little bit about it when we asked him about how he and Faith started dating; Zuriel was also telling me a little about it when I was in Zomba with him & Samuel. It is traditional to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your extended family members and the actual uncles on each side get together to discuss the relationship and whether the couple is a good match for each other or not. There is a whole ritual between the uncles when the couple does decide to get engaged, which Chisomo told us about. It was interesting to hear the stories from Chisomo and Zuriel. It has also been fun to be able to meet some of Zuriel’s extended family while I’m here. I’ve met some of his cousins and his aunt when we were in Zomba for the day.